The commandment to love yourself

Dispelling two common sentiments among women

Photo by Thomas Kinto on Unsplash

I want to write about something that is of so much importance that I know I won’t cover it all in this one sitting, this one writing but I have to start somewhere.

Over the last four years working more closely with women of all ages and stages from over 44 countries I have learned that in so many ways we are more alike than we are different. And even some of the things that make us different, come from similar principles. I love that we are all uniquely made. I also love that we share a lot of similarities. The similarities, I believe, help us to better empathize with one another, relate to one another, understand one another, and love one another in our differences.

The gift of working with and alongside (and being in Community with) so many women is that I get to witness the commonalities in the things that we struggle with, that form how we think, believe, act, and feel. Sometimes when I hear the same sentiment shared over and over again I think of a resource that I can create to shed some light or provide a solution—a product, a podcast episode.

But sometimes the sentiment that is commonly shared is so nuanced and so important that the first thing I think to do is to put pen to paper (which turns into fingers to keyboard) and write. That’s what brings us to this present moment.

One thing that I love to do is to bring women into community with one another, creating a safe space to speak openly and vulnerably about the things that matter to each person (which usually is something that is on the heart and mind of a percentage of the collective). I am really good at it and I love to do it.

This Thursday was my first in-person event of the year. A local stationary store hosted me to teach a class on how journaling can help you to make space and time for yourself. During conversation about the importance of making time and space for self, taking care of ourselves, and getting to know the things that we want and need, two things came up that have come up A LOT whenever I talk about this among women.

1. Isn’t thinking about what you want or need selfish? If we have our basic needs met then we have what we need. To go beyond that is selfish. And what if I have a “servant’s heart” and prefer to give/serve in that time that you suggest I make for myself? Focusing on self feels selfish.

2. This goes against what I was taught in church. I was told to think less of myself, more about others. And even the concept of loving myself feels in opposition to what I was taught as a child. That’s what makes this line of thinking so hard to believe and do.

These two questions, thoughts, sentiments come up in my work often. And each are so full of things that need to be unpacked, today is a starter conversation. My fingers cannot do all of that lifting today, though I can (and over time will) do the full lifting to work through both, we won’t get to every single nuance today. But we will get started.

Isn’t it selfish?

The short answer, No. Not in the way that I teach and talk about caring for yourself.

Isn’t it selfish to think about what you want or need? It is not. The mental, emotional, and physical health and well-being of women is on a steady decline. Yes, we have more things that help us to take better care of ourselves—knowledge, information, resources like therapy and easy access to exercise/movement, but what if those things aren’t at the foundation of the solution?

I will never forget working with a woman in her mid 60’s who wanted help building in better habits in her evening routine at home. She struggled time and time again to do the things that she knew were best for her, simple things like not falling asleep on the couch every night in her work clothes and waking up to move to the bedroom which ultimately affected her mornings.

One day while we were talking I asked her simply, do you love yourself? She looked at me in the eye, almost as if the question revealed the answer to her for the first time. “No” she said. We had gotten to part of the roots of why she couldn’t and wouldn’t be consistent with the things needed to care for herself.

I could narrate many other instances that revealed similar things from women of all stages and ages of life and from all over the world. There are a myriad of reasons a girl and a woman can grow to live on this planet for over six decades and not realize that she doesn’t love herself. One of those reasons is the message that prioritizing the needs of self, loving self, making space and time for self is “selfish.”

Who is benefiting from this message? Not us. And if not us, as women, then no one benefits (besides those who prey on this asking women to live boundary-less, overcommitted, unhealthy, lives in furtherance of someone else’s desires).

The “church”

This one is harder and easier to write about. Harder because there is so much I want to say and write but I cannot in one sitting and easier because I have scriptural evidence that any spiritual “leader” or congregation that teaches that loving yourself is unscriptural or not “being like Jesus” is an outright lie and I advise you to find the exit sign immediately.

God’s Word makes it clear that we are to love Him first, love ourselves, and love our neighbors. He is the priority.

Multiple times scripture directs us to “love your neighbor as yourself.¹” The premise of loving others is first loving yourself!

What comes out of loving God (the first commandment) with all of your heart, soul, mind, and strength, is loving yourself and others. God, in His wisdom gave us the order because it makes sense. Love the creator, love the creation—you and others.

How we love and treat others springs from what we first have practiced and expressed within ourselves. Anyone can temporarily display acts of kindness to someone else, but over time it is (if not fully, nearly) impossible to love others when you do not first love yourself.

With myself I get to practice forgiveness so that I can extend it to others. With self I can identify strengths and weaknesses, which helps me to have empathy for the shortcomings of others and celebrate the great things in others. The more I grow in relationship with God, the more I see growth in myself, and the more I have compassion for others. There is a direct connection to the three: God, self, others. If you believe loving God means hating self, shaming self, berating self, looking down on self, you. are. wrong.

Here’s what I want you to know as we begin this conversation, you are worthy of God’s love and forgiveness. Humans are born into a sinful world and in need of a savior. And because you are currently breathing, you have a right to receive the love and salvation that comes from Christ.

You are lovable. You matter. To me, to others, and most importantly, to God. If for some reason you find yourself not believing that, contact me, let’s talk.

Nuance: what does “love” mean. 2 Timothy 3:1-5 says

“But know this, that in the last days perilous times will come: For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good, traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying the power. And from such people turn away!

Reading Pauls’s words above, I hope you can see the distinct contrast of this “loving of self” with the “love yourself as your neighbor” love. Look at the list above, it is evident that this type of lover of self has foresaken the other two commandments—loving God with all your heart, mind, soul, and strength, and loving others (your neighbor).

There is more to be said here, but the first thing has to be to establish that loving yourself is not only necessary for our natural well-being, it is a spiritual commandment of God. We can talk more about what that loving of self looks like in application as I continue reflecting on this sentiment that continues to come up in conversations about making time and space for yourself.

But first I wanted to be clear to the person who has held on to the belief that you are unlovable, you are unworthy of love. My dear, you are so loved. You are loved by me, by so many others, and, most importantly, by the Lord God who provided a perfect sacrifice with your name in mind.

1. Matthew 22:39, Matthew 19:19, Mark 12:31, Galatians 5:14, James 2:8, Romans 13:9